Fractured

Five years ago, I posted this to my Facebook page.

“Today…I will sit in a room with my fathers’ body for the very last time. Nothing could prepare my heart for the heaviness it feels right now. It’ll pass. Time heals. Yadda Yadda. But right now, in this moment….I’m a little boy learning to ride a bike again. A teenager learning how to shave. A toddler, saying my first word. A man, saying goodbye to the first role model he ever had. The first person he ever wanted to be like. The only father I will ever know. I bid him farewell, in hopes that we meet again someday. In another life. In another time. In another situation.”

In the five years that passed, I’ve grown exponentially. I’ve also regressed. I’ve lost ground. I’ve went backwards. I’ve fallen apart.

I’ve given up. Or wanted to. Or wanted to not want to give up.

I’ve moved on. Stood still. Walked in circles.

I’ve disappeared and come back.

Reading this post that I made five years ago, reminded me that I’ve lost someone that I can’t get back. A few someones. And I’ve been broken ever since. Not in every moment since, but at the end of every moment.

I’ve stayed in half.

And I can’t do that anymore. It’s too hard. It’s too hurtful. It’s too much.

This post reminded me that I have faced too much. I have fought too hard.

I have to stop fighting. I have to stop battling. I have to stop grieving.

I have to stop being broken.

Because being broken is breaking the rest of me. The rest of what I have.

But right now, In this moment, I am a toddler, learning to say I’ve fucked up. Alot.

A boy, gaining the courage to move on. From everyhing that needs to be moved on from.

A teenager, with the world and all its’ uncertainty at his fingertips.

Today, I am a man, learning to love himself again, even when I tell myself I’m unlovable.

Five years ago, was the end of the beginning of my severe depression. And lots of other things have contributed, but mostly, I’ve made it harder on myself by enabling myself to accept it. As how it is. As how it will be. As the only way it can be.

And today, I have to stop. Because if I don’t now, I won’t.

And then it will be too late.